I’ve learned a few things in my thirty-odd years on the planet, and since I don’t have kids to pass my wisdom to, I’ll have to do what I normally do anyway and put it on the internet.
1. Never wear the same pair of shoes two days in a row, no matter how “ergonomic” or orthopedic they are. Your feet will hurt, your legs will hurt, your back will hurt.
2. Never wear the same pair of socks for more than one day without washing them. Unless you want foot fungus.
3. Never wear damp socks when it’s cold outside. Unless you want to feel like a footsoldier invading Russia in winter. In snow. In shoes made of burlap sacks.
4. Don’t leave water in the teakettle when it’s not in use. Why do so many people do this? It causes pink slime mold to grow in your teakettle, which will make you sick every time you drink water prepared in said teakettle.
5. If you spend a lot of time sitting at a desk, put your chair on the lowest setting to the floor (unless you are over 6 feet tall). I used to get terrible back, neck, and shoulder pain until someone shared this tip from her chiropractor.
6. Only fools don’t use ergonomic keyboards.
7. Ergonomic mice exist because standard, flat mice cause Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
8. Don’t accept money from people conditionally, e.g.: don’t let your parents/family members pay for your education if their offer is contingent upon you studying something they approve of.
8 1/2. It is totally okay to end a sentence with a preposition. All those grammar rules that were beaten into you are arbitrary, and were adapted from Latin by stuffy Victorians in the 19th century.
9. Don’t give money conditionally, like in the above scenario, but also on a smaller scale such as giving a beggar money “as long as he/she doesn’t spend it on booze or drugs.” Once you hand it over it’s no longer your money, so keep your shitty self-righteous moralizing to yourself.
10. Read the recipe all the way through BEFORE you start.
11. Unsalted butter is bullshit.
12. Grammar and spelling errors don’t necessarily prove anything about intelligence, but they definitely reveal carelessness and laziness.
13. People are not “just lucky to have a job.” Demand more from life.
14. Take a GAP year or study abroad when you’re young. You don’t get to do this when you’re older.
15. When it comes to skin care, you get what you pay for, except with Clinique, which is absolute crap at any price. Why do you think they give away so many free samples?
16. Ladies: you know how the department store makeup people are always trying to sell you on skin regimens that include a “toner” (think Sea Breeze)? That shit is pure alcohol that strips away all the moisture from your skin and ages it faster. Don’t let them talk you into that crap.
17. You need at least a little bit of fat in your diet to keep you happy and sane.
You have been reading Life Lessons, brought to you in part by chamomile tea.