Cheesecake

It started innocently enough.

“This cheesecake is really good,” said my dad, “I wonder if it would be good with a graham cracker crust.”

“Probably, but I didn’t have any graham crackers,” my mom replied.

“Do you think next time you make it you could make a graham cracker crust?” my dad asked.

“I told you I didn’t have any graham crackers.”

“I know. But do you think next time, you could make a graham cracker crust?” He pronounces it gray-um CRA-cker.

Exasperated sigh. “If I have them. But I didn’t have any graham crackers this time.” She pronounces it gram. CRACKER.

“Okay! But I’m asking you: the next time you make a cheesecake, will you make it with a graham cracker crust?“

“I will. If I have graham crackers. I can only use what’s here.”

“What do you mean ‘if’ you have them?”

“Just what I said. If I have them. I can’t produce graham crackers out of thin air!”

My dad looked at me and let out a chortle, “Do you see what I have to deal with every day?”

“Mom,” I said, “can’t you just buy some graham crackers?” I pronounce it like a normal person: GRAMcracker.

“I will! But if I don’t have any, I’ll have to use something else!”

“But why can’t you just go to the store?” my voice broke on the last word and I burst out laughing so hard I started crying. I covered my face with my hands.

“I can! But if I run out, then I won’t have any to make your stupid crust and I’ll have to use something else!”

“But I don’t understand,” I was still crying. “Why can’t you just buy some?”

“I JUST SAID I’D BUY SOME DAMN GRAHAM CRACKERS!”

“But–” I tried to stop laughing long enough to talk, but I couldn’t. By this time my dad was laughing uncontrollably too.

“What’re you two laughing at? I can’t make a graham cracker crust if there are no graham crackers! I can’t produce them out of thin air! I’ll have to use something else!”

“But…but why can’t you just make a list?” My inflection would rise on every word so the last one would be a squeak. “And go to the store before you make it? Do you…do you start in the middle of cooking something?”

“Cooking in the Middle With Margit! Margit Cooks From the Middle!” My dad added, and we both laughed harder. He loves to create fictional Food Network shows starring my mom, Margit.

“The hell with the two of you. I’m never making another cheesecake!”