I decided to list my favorite tweets of 2011 as a blog post to prevent my tweets from clogging up other people’s tweetstreams. As you will see, I have a lot of favorites. Some tweets may be more esoteric than others, and especial favorites can be found in bold. Warning: this may be the longest list ever compiled by human hands. Get a cup of coffee. See also: Nerd Pickup Lines
@KvnHrrsn Overheard after Black Swan: “She was turning into some kind of black bird? What was that all about?” 1/4/11
@RobDelaney “I AM A BUTTHOLE DETECTIVE!” – dogs 1/6/11
@BoobsRadley “Detox Tea” tastes like Nicolas Cage’s hot tub water. 1/6/11
@BadBanana Scientists have found organics on Mars. So now we know Mars can support insufferable hipsters. 1/7/11
@JacobNordby Calvin & Hobbes for writers 1/10/11

@mephjeff When Roberta Flack first sang ‘Killing Me Softly With His Song’, I wonder if she was prophesying the rise of Jack Johnson. 1/13/11
@PFTompkins To everyone who @ messages me to tell me you’re unfollowing me, be sure to tag it with #sadbidforattention 1/15/11
@PaulyMortadella Tom Hanks and Nicholas Cage should make a high spirited, unpredictable adventure together called “Deus ex Machina!” 1/17/11
@badbanana Catwoman is so played out. Here’s my suggestion for the next Batman movie. Catcat. A cat with slightly enhanced cat powers. 1/19/11
@Paxochka Dinosaurs died out because they insisted on using internet explorer. 1/20/11
@LeSouperfly “If fascism means getting rid of juggalos… count me in” – Gabe 1/22/11
@drewtoothpaste “Are you drinking water?” No, doctor. No water. I am dead now because I didn’t know what to do when I got thirsty. 1/22/11
@kiala You guys, is Noah Baumbach the Tyler Perry of white people? 1/24/11
@JamesUrbaniak Sputnik reference well received; will audience get upcoming reference to The Big Bopper? 1/25/11
@darthbender Does anyone remember my Turbotax password? If not, I’m going to keep drinking until it comes back to me. 1/27/11
@rbeekeepers Don’t remind me. RT @MikelDallas There will be an over hyped Beatles anniversary celebration every year for the rest of your life. 2/9/11
@PaulyMortadella Why can’t swingers be attractive? 2/10/11
@kellyoxford No need to tell me about yourself, you chose “Coach” as your status bag. We’re good here. 2/10/11
@brandiglam No matter how good a song is, if there is any sound resembling the sound of a kid’s voice, it is dead to me. 2/10/11
@TJC_Buell This is really GHB #rejectedcandyhearts 2/13/11
@minervajayne And I woke up calling Linda Evans’ name & then realized I slept on a Burger King taco. Who have I become? 2/15/11
@repressd I’m going to write a song called “Short Bitches Don’t Respect Personal Space.” 2/18/11
@scott_nicholson after looking at some recent tweets of ya’lls I’ve made a unilateral decision that we should all walk off our jobs tomorrow & get drunk 2/28/11
@thelittleginger GAAAAAH! System of a Down is about as cool as a terrible fire at an elementary school. 3/2/11
@senorpaco There’s a “Motorboating” magazine. Wonder how many subscribers were disappointed when they got the 1st issue & found out it was about boats. 3/4/11
@sucittaM I don’t know why my boss wants me to set his car on fire so badly, but I swear that’s all I can hear him saying. 3/7/11
@johnONeil People and their opinions. Feh. You can have them. 3/15/11
@NickRoundtree You know you are at Rock Bottom, when walking out of Mulligans and pair of underwear falls out of your pant leg, and you trip on them. 3/23/11
@lanewoods That’s funny, I thought I was the only solipsist here. 3/28/11
@isaacPR The thing I don’t understand about sports is WHY. 3/28/11
@schlanghole ME: Hello. Wirestone. UNKNOWN: Yes. You were referred to me to perform my son’s circumcision. ME: I think you have the wrong number. 3/30/11
@ejhildreth Since Snap! is no longer around, I sure hope they named somebody in their will to get The Power when their estate is settled. 3/30/11
@rachyrach1 mother nature is joan crawford and we’re all using wire hangers 4/1/11
@SethMacFarlane Jazz was never that big into Johnny either. 4/6/11
@ejhildreth Boise is no longer the city of trees. New Slogan: Boise City of Cars Crashing into Buildings. 4/12/11
@mightysmith Often Twitter is like a combo of Stuart Smalley meets Adam Smith, w/ Daily Affirmations delivered by those least qualified to give advice. 4/14/11
@Glinner I absolutely love this song by Matt Berry. This video is lovely too. Take My Hand
@mrgrantolsen As for Futurama spin-offs I’m only interested in a hilarious Odd Couple style comedy with Calculon and Dr. Zoidberg. 4/24/11
@MissSassyMango Busier than a cat covering up shit on a concrete floor. 4/27/11
@jennykay_WHOA malls are kinda like if dirty feet and grease had a love child and then that kid just barfed everywhere. 4/30/11
@JohnFugelsang Ladies, stress is God’s way of telling you to get yourself a massage, not cut your own bangs again. 5/2/11
@TweetsOfOld The average Chicago man is so bow-legged that when he wears knee breeches he could be mistaken for a pair of runaway ice-tongs. PA1886 5/5/11
@MsSummerFinn Being woken up by my roommate to see what gym clothes he should wear to meet up w/a boy he likes as they workout isn’t the best start my day. 5/6/11
@megansmurp I don’t know who created a show tunes station on my iPhone pandora app…but I do know this: revenge is best served repeatedly. 5/6/11
@kellycub Watch out for excited deer. 5/11/11

@TomMitcham Hadn’t realized tonight was “prom” till I noticed what I thought were funeral mourners downtown. #LikeOMG 5/14/11
@kellyoxford This May 21st rapture thing is going to create a lot of genetically inferior February babies. 5/16/11
@GeorgeTakei Schwarzenegger confesses to fathering baby with house staff member, but explains that child is destined to bring down SkyNet in 2031. 5/17/11
@tmoneydammit What’s timezone is God in? Need to know when to watch for unattended moving cars. #rapture 5/17/11
@mightysmith When the rapture takes all the super pious to heaven, that should bring down the costs of gas and prostitutes. #May21 #TongueInCheek 5/18/11
@KenPlume I don’t know about you, but boy will I be glad when that sanctimonious nag Kirk Cameron is gone. #TheRapture 5/18/11
@kellyoxford Zsa Zsa, Eva and Magda Gabor were the Cold War’s Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian. 5/18/11
@MissSassyMango “If the rapture’s coming, I’d better do some manscaping.” -@albear 5/19/11
@bylertrewington People who cared about Oprah. People who cared about the Rapture. This Venn diagram needs a punchline. 5/25/11
@tricycles Thanks to @theamazingben, I’ve taken to yelling at my clothes when I take them off. “Fuck you, shirt! You live on the floor now! Suck it!” 5/31/11
@DonLDay Ironman 70.3 comes to Boise: makes it impossible to get around for locals so some out-of-towners can ride their bikes. 6/10/11
@bylertrewington Frustrated something something weird something something like objectively weird something inscrutable something something. #momtweets 6/15/11
@daveanthony Somewhere, right now, George Clooney is fingering someone. Always. 6/22/11
@AlbertBrooks I hate the treadmill. I hate the stationary bike. I hate running in the street. Can’t I stay in shape just by hating? 6/22/11
@badbanana Great food here in the south of France, obviously, since we’re so close to the Olive Garden’s culinary institute in Tuscany. 6/22/11
@michaelianblack The idea of camping is wonderful. The actuality of not going camping is better. 6/27/11
@johnONeil Listen, Honey. I don’t mean no harm. I just like sweet things. 6/30/11
@SethMacFarlane I think little kids cry a lot because they can’t have margaritas yet. 7/1/11
@afrosack @chadfu you’re a Sally Struthers stunt double. 7/11/11
@neurolux Just a bunch of hippies. RT @karleemay Will I be seeing anyone at the Franti concert later? 7/15/11
@afrosack I hate it when people say “if it wasn’t for such and such I’d be dead or in jail.” Mother fucker you wouldn’t be at the mall maybe? 7/18/11
@Wolfrum Remember, it takes fewer muscles to frown than it does to punch out the person who just told you to “Smile!” 7/18/11
@toddlevin Twitter cuts through all the b.s. that would otherwise distract us from behaving like needy, easily wounded babies. 7/18/11
@JoshMalina The misuse of apostrophes on cabin placards is ruining my lake vacation. 7/19/11
@drewtoothpaste I love before/after diet pics. The diet always causes the person to lose their body hair and develop a deep, oily tan. 7/20/11
@BentoBill @albear ff? Fat face? Fish fucker? Freaky freakerton? Funny fart? Foamy felacio? Fabulous fondling? Flaming farm? Frontal functions? 7/22/11
@RobDelaney Just put on my old sweatpants & took a Viagra. Headed to Costco. 7/25/11
@sucittaM Bags of dicks are gluten-free, right? 7/25/11
@thesulk Has anything happened since 2008? I’ve been looking down at my phone. 7/27/11
@GenitalTzo Rollin’ in the derp. 8/1/11
@OTOOLEFAN ATLAS SHRUGGED is the Bible of assholes. 8/3/11
@JimGaffigan I find reading poetry really inspires me to not read poetry. 8/3/11
@shadrach Smiling is not really in my skill set. 8/12/11
@luckyshirt After the Flood, God made a rainbow as a promise He would never kill us all again. But later He got all mad at us again and made celery. 8/15/11
@Lesouperfly At Sub Zero ice cream shop. It’s amazing how all these spraytanned mall cocksuckers seem so confused by this place. 8/15/11
@kellyoxford Kinda cruel that everyone who applies for public assistance is forced to get a Tasmanian Devil tattoo. 8/16/11
@JimGaffigan “I need a shirt, but I also want to showcase how long my armpit hair is.” – Every guy who has bought a tank top. 8/16/11
@brionrushton We had a human race but it lost. 8/23/11
@JoshMalina If you teach your kids just one thing, they’ll be stupid. 8/24/11
@Kurt_Vonnegut Literature should not disappear up its own asshole, so to speak. 8/31/11
@Andy_Richter Football season has started! So to all the heterosexual men in my life – we’ll resume conversations in February. 9/9/11
@SarahThyre ♬ Welcome to the jungle/we got zobby-zoo♬ – Axl Jolson 9/9/11
@jjsaldana @repressd So, I waited for you to show up so we could thug it out. You didn’t show up. 9/11/11
@tiffanill I’m not sure if there’s anything worse than being condescended to by a woman who wears too much frosty eyeshadow. 9/12/11
@skrike I cant wait til we have a white republican president again so I can send racist emails to my dad. “Look what President Redneck Cracker did!” 9/13/11
@JohnFugelsang “Real country music, not what they call country today, which is basically a bad rock band with a fiddle.”- Tom Petty. 9/14/11
@megansmurp How am I supposed to work when all I can think about is making David Lynch my boyfriend? 9/14/11
@m3mo Just saw a dude that was the spitting image (and hairstyle) of René Descartes 9/14/11
@gahrealmonsters Radio, why are you so terrible? 9/15/11
@evilsenorpaco Anger! This calls for more wine! Anger wine! 9/20/11
@FuriousDShow Two & A Half Lepers #16thCenturySitComs 9/21/11
@nakedlaughing 30 Rocks Piled On Criminals #16thCenturySitComs
@RobDelaney Michael Stipe announced he’s teaming up with Scott Stapp for a U.S. van tour. They’re calling it REM Creedwagon. 9/21/11
@merkprof I want to tell all the woman on FB complaining about their kids “No one held a gun to your vagina.” 9/22/11
@clockriders Somebody should totally reissue some Beatles songs… I mean, that’s never been done… right? 9/27/11
@albear Foundation of any relationship: 9/27/11

@brigadiermcweir I am at applebees. Pretty glad we don’t have these. 9/28/11
@GenitalTzo There are two types of people in this world, and I fucking hate both of them. 9/29/11
@SarahThyre Ragtime piano playing in this office bldg restroom. Must fight urge to take saloon girl’s bath at the sink. 9/30/11
@BorowitzReport Twitter is great at helping us get sick of things faster. 10/1/11
@Shadrach I’ve never watched an episode of Big Bang Theory, but from what I can tell it’s a show about nerds wearing t-shirts over long sleeve shirts. 10/1/11
@hopess13 Bucket List item crossed off tonight: motor boated by a Scotsman while he shouted #GoBroncos @brigadiermcweir 10/2/11
@KenPlume Mayberry RIP. #depressingsitcoms 10/7/11
@TheyCallMeCrash Sucks. 10/14/11

@michaelianblack The word “epic” has lost the right to exist. 10/18/11
@TweetsOfOld The autumn leaves decay, and the town cow is taking in the situation around Dick Jones’ gin warehouse. AR1891 10/18/11
@thelittleginger Yes, I am judging you and your leashed child. 10/20/11
@BoobsRadley Isn’t it weird how “A man, a plan, a canal, Panama” is a perfect palindrome that also describes its meaning, consensual sex with Van Halen? 10/24/11
@TheChrisAngel Twitter: 8 million users, 7 jokes. 11/2/11
@senorpaco The Apocalypse is here. I just saw a “hip” bass fishing show where the guys fishing did a rap. 11/2/11
@Splendor The amount of contempt I have for you is directly proportional to the length of the inspirational quote in your email signature. 11/2/11
@yoyoha If I was a dolphin, I’d definitely eat a person. No one would ever suspect me. It would be the perfect crime. 11/4/11
@ChadFu I blame my anger on growing up in the 80′s. All the neon and sharp edges tweaked my head. 11/4/11
@GenitalTzo The easiest way to die of blunt force trauma to the head is to be my coworker and comment on my lunch. 11/9/11
@rilaws I am going to see Jack & Jill tonight. Do you think it’s going to be weird living the rest of my life without eyes and a face? 11/9/11
@drewtoothpaste If you are wondering how a “meme” is created, here’s a handy guide. 11/15/11

@thesulk The View is like cat vomit that can talk. 11/15/11
@brigadiermcweir back the fuck up, lovefilm, when did i order avatar!? i so did not. 11/16/11
@rilaws The best part of any wedding is eating Bugles in a hotel room. 11/19/11
@ThomasPaul117 So, call ABC Taxi and ask for Bob if you want to walk in the steps of a guy who just called ABC Taxi and asked for a cab. #trendsetting 11/24/11
@robdelaney I killed 11 people at Walmart yesterday. 11/26/11
@Wolfrum Breaking: Vladamir Putin accepts his party’s nomination for President. Says Presidency shouldn’t interfere with his Dictator-for-Life gig. 11/27/11
@66Betty 5yo boy at work panting heavily. Me: “What are you doing?” Him: “I taught my dog to talk. This is what she says.” 11/28/11
@DaveScheidt You are on vacation, swimming in the ocean. Just remember that you are probably swimming in the ashes of everyone’s grandma. 11/29/11
@JohnFugelsang “Stop whining, you liberal idiot. The Feudal Lords are the Job Creators.” – one serf, to another. 12/1/11
@JanesAmerica INTERNET IS SERIOUS BUSINESS ALERT. SERIOUSLY GUYS, THIS IS NOT FOR FUN. 12/1/11
@JovankaVuckovic Best. Christmas tree. Ever. 12/5/11

@ionmoney “well…robots and androids, if you want to lump them all together.” “I think they’re all the same.” “*incredulous look*” 12/5/11
@nationallampoon Prohibition ended 78 years ago today. If you’re not wasted right now it was all for nothing. 12/5/11
@hootchmcgee Missed Connections: Met you at JCPenney. I think your sister’s name is Debra. Anyway, I wanna get witchu both. Oh, and I drive a Hyundai. 12/6/11
@robdelaney I broke off all contact with my sister when she named her son Jaden. 12/6/11
@StinaMFKing I don’t get it. Take moderately mediocre dude, add instrument, throw in some skinny jeans & a 2 week beard growth and viola! panties fly off. 12/7/11
@GenitalTzo Paul McCartney makes $400,000/year in royalties for his godawful “Wonderful Christmas Time”. That’s $1 for every time I’ve heard it today. 12/8/11
@doxees Hyperbole is the worst thing ever. 12/11/11
@tmoneydammit This shall be my epitaph. RT @repressd This was her message: ,,i,, ,,i,, 12/13/11
@PaulyMortadella I have yet to meet someone aloof and enigmatic who isn’t crazy as a shithouse rat. 12/15/11
@thinkgeek Ohhh, noooo, the wee tiny hipsters in their wee tiny pantses! Boo hoo hoo! 12/16/11
@workforfood ☑ Kim Jong Il ☑ Khaddafi ☑ Osama Bin Laden ☑ Saddam Hussein ☐ Internet Explorer. 12/18/11
@robdelaney “We Bought a Zoo” was OK but the soundtrack is straight up 4 on the floor fuckin’ music. Instant panty-liquefying jams. 12/19/11
@RachaelDaigle overheard in the BW newsroom: “I can’t decide who’s pettier: local bands or local politicians.” 12/19/11
@BorowitzReport In his first statement, Kim Jong-Il’s son vows to use nuclear weapons “to destroy those green pigs who stole our eggs.” 12/20/11
@66Betty 4yo boy at work, to me: You are my girlfriend, but I am NOT your boyfriend! 12/23/11
@lilivonshtupp I seem to be lacking the *normal* female emotions of being pregnant. I think I’m just one shipping container away from Dexter sometimes. 12/28/11
@DamienFahey “This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo. 12/29/11
@abide_the_dude These two shits could not be given. 12/30/11